wedding crashers

Cara sent me this video a little while back and I just recently watched it.

I fucking love it.

Serious kudos to those two for organizing something so fresh and hilarious. I can only hope that my wedding will be that cool. On top of the dancing, that's got to be the cutest couple on the planet. When the groom busts in with that somersault? Are you kidding me? And the wife's solo entrance makes me want to cry. My wife better be that cool.

Give it a looksy.

works every time

Some days I just feel like giving Much Music a chance.

I sat down this morning with some peanut butter toast and decided:

"Shit. Since there's nothing but shows about boats on TV, I might as well head over to Much Music. Maybe there's something good on,"

I was greeted by THIS.

I strongly suggest that you watch the entire video before reading anything below, just to put it into context.

First, a strong slew of obscenities comes to mind. This comes as no real surprise. Secondly, and most importantly, you have to ask "WHY?".

For starters, this suburban white-boy honky has no right being on television. He's not even good looking! Usually the formula goes as follows:

A = current looks, with chance of insurmountably awkward puberty stage
B = current voice, with chance for digital tuning
C = personality and marketability
D = chance for product placement

A + B + C + D = $$$

The strange thing is, this kid barely falls into any of these categories. He's not good looking: Usually the big record labels will go for the image first, and then start from the ground up. He's not talented: auto-tuning has more prominence on that track than keyboards. On top of that, the kid can't dance worth dick. Last time I saw something that white I was staring into the sun. The director knew that, so they either put a black kid next to him, or put him on a skateboard. Watch me ollie!

I understand that what I'm saying has been said time and time again, and that it will never get any better. I know why music sucks and I know why it will never change. Lou Pearlman practically wrote the bible of the formula in the early 90's.

My biggest question remains: WHY THIS KID?

He's on DEF JAM for fuck sakes. You know Def Jam? The Roots, Nas, Method Man and Red Man, Ghostface Killah, and this cracker? Why is Usher hanging out with this loser?

How long was I asleep?

if you're not going to turn it off, turn it up

There's nothing like a fuck-off-sized lightning storm to scare the shit out of everyone. It's actually quite humbling to be honest. Just when you think to yourself "damn I should go get groceries", sorry Jack, you're staying in tonight.

Storms are funny that way. My brother and I used to landscape for a woman who really, really loved storms. She'd go on and on about how powerful and primal they were and how much she loved the energy. Later we'd laugh about how she probably got extremely horny when she heard thunder, even though we both secretly wanted to bang her.

Come on Mike, you KNOW you did.

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Here's a story: When I was young I went to an eighth grade pool party. Everyone was swimming in our friends pool. My one friend Chrissy (a guy) was there. He didn't know how to swim, so his mom attended every pool party and made him wear water wings. It was a real buzz kill. The funny thing was, Chrissy was tall enough to stand in the deep end, so he looked ridiculous wearing water wings in the first place.

Everyone heard thunder, so my friends mom made us get out of the pool. We all huddled under the awning and ate soaking wet chips. Surely enough, lightning struck the pool. Not ten feet away, a huge white beam came down and struck the water, followed by the single loudest sound I've ever heard. Try to imagine a thousand car accidents happening at once in front of you.

I can easily say I will never be that close to a bolt of lightning ever again.

I almost wish Chrissy was in that pool, mostly because I'm curious of those water wings and if they'd explode.

Also, at that same party I kicked a girl in the vag' accidentally while we were on her trampoline. I was going up, she was coming down, I had my foot out, and she happened to catch it between her legs. We didn't talk much after that.

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On a final note: Do epileptics get seizures during lightning storms? I'm talking BIG lightning storms. It seems logical to me. If so, would they have to close their eyes if they were outdoors during a storm? Would they have to draw the blinds at home? I'd hate to see someone on the street, soaking wet, having a seizure. In this town they'd probably be thrown in the drunk tank.

yes yes, from the northwest

I was planning on gushing about how much fun the golf trip was, but I think I'll celebrate my return to Toronto with something a little simpler..


I can easily say I recite different lines from that song at least once a week. They usually find their way into my diction, and sometimes really cool people pick up on it. Then we high-five.

I don't want to think about how much work I have to do, so I won't. Instead I'm going to hang with friends, sit on my ass, start a painting, buy expensive olives, go swimming, and sip beer on my roof in the afternoon. I'll get to those important life decisions later.

non-stop-summer

Here we go again.

Another year, another week of golf with hilarious old guys in Michigan.

Lots of golf, lots of beer, lots of laughs.

I'll be back on Friday.

get up offa that thang

As expected, my annual phone troubles came right on time, almost an exact year from my last incident. However, this time I did not crush my phone to death playing the drums. I simply dropped it in a glass of water before bed. Sweet. The funny thing was, a friend called me while it was still sitting in the bottom and worked fine.
For now it still works, I just can't use any of the buttons. I've decided to let it sit and dry for a couple days.

Anyone have any tips for this scenario?

.....it's shit like this that I'd use a Twitter account for.

london ain't growin'

The polls are in!

My beard currently sits at 70% positivity rate, up from it's previous 45% in London, Ontario.

You see, I don't think the masses of London know what beards are all about yet, because it's been getting great reviews here in Toronto. Words like "becoming" and "masculine" have been drawn from numerous compliments from friends and strangers alike.

I apologize if this beard has been getting too much attention on this blog as of lately, it's just that it's a big deal to me. This is the first beard I've ever had. I've been dreaming of these days since grade 9, sitting in the cafeteria looking at my friends beards, dreaming of hairier days. Dan and I talk about beards for at least an hour a day, every day. They're fascinating to me, and I'm taking my first baby steps at it....

...and still growing strong. To grow or not to grow? That is the question.

the best feeling

Finally, after about two years of searching, I found my old ipod.

I can't remember the last time I listened to it, but it's been a long time. I was probably landscaping someones yard the last use. I'm eager to see what's even on that thing because I have little memory of it. All I remember is a lot of John Coltrane, Jimi Hendrix, Howlin' Wolf, and Miles Davis. I also had a fine collection of Nina Simone records as well, which is great because I can't find any of the ones I bought. Also some good Eric B and Rakim.

Come to think of it, that was one black-ass ipod.

No Need To Read This Next Bit

We're back in town

London that is. After leaving Halifax, we thought we might as well drive all the way home, all at once. 27 hours, three caffeinated drinks, four tanks of gas, and more fast food than I'd like to mention later, and we're home. The thing about the energy drinks is that I couldn't get to sleep once my driving shift of four hours was up, so I never slept. I can distinctly recall driving through the GTA around sunup, barely there. My body shut down completely, while leaving me with enough energy to understand whether I was going to crash into another vehicle or not.
The funny thing was, I didn't sleep for most of the day once arriving home. I still haven't fully recovered from that night. Remind me to tell you a funny moose story later as well...

The Wooden Sky

The same night we arrived, we went to go see The Wooden Sky perform in Paterson's backyard. Awesome show. Not only did we get to drink Olde E for the first time in months, we saw a ton of old friends and met a lot of great people. I even saw the boys from my old band The Dustbowl Refugees, which I'll detail at a later date. Check TWS out for sure. Super psyched on their new record.

Golf, Big Time

Myself and the boys went golfing yesterday in St. Catherines. It was Dan's first game and he killed it. Well done my man. It pissed rain nearly the entire time, but we played anyway. Darcy and I both had flying-club incidents, which caused me to "peek" in laughter (which means it doesn't get any louder). I won closest to the pin on a hole, which is always nice. My prize money payed for gas on the way home. Dan and I also cleaned up in the prize draws, taking home the majority of the gifts. I fucking love golf. Alright? I LOVE IT.

Family Time

It's quite rare for me to have any quality time with my family when I come home. I'm usually rehearsing, eating at King's Inn Diner, visiting friends, attending whatever event, or curing a hangover. There's really not enough hours in the day to see everyone. Luckily for this weeks visit, I have plenty of time. Made tortellini prima vera for dad, visiting gram for the first time in a dogs age, made bbq'd corn salad and butter chicken for my ladies, and driving around town with my sister listening to Jackson mix tapes. Awesome.

Retro

By god, was that ever an interesting night.

The Heart

I've mentioned it a hundred times over: I have a bum ticker. It's not all that bad, it just gives me shit every once in a while. There's nothing like the feeling your palpitating heart is about to explode out of your chest. I'd arranged to have an Electrocardiogram with my dad about a week ago, which took place this morning. Everything looked pretty normal, save for my pulse, which pumps around 89 beats per minute, sitting down. Later this afternoon I have an appointment with a cardiologist to have a 48 hour heart monitor installed onto my chest. This is funny to me, considering we have a show to play tomorrow night, and I plan to beat the living shit out of my drums. Hopefully it doesn't run out of batteries and die like the last one. Electrodes are so much fun.

The Beard

I've never heard so many mixed reviews about anything. My beard has hit an all time record in length. Some people think it's handsome, others think it's burly and and out of character. Even last night, two ex-girlfriends of two years gave me polar-opposite reviews. What the hell? Maybe it was too radical a change for some and they're just not used to it. Either way, I'm going to keep it for at least another week I think. At least until I can't take the ridicule.

Haircut

I got a haircut yesterday. I proper haircut. One that I didn't do. My hair was a little pissed I think. I can't remember the last haircut I got professionally. However, it did feel good to get my head rubbed by some cute 'dresser. I think I'm going to marry a hair stylist just so I can get my head rubbed every once in a while. When I was young, my mom would brush my hair to get me to sleep. There's something about that brush that just conks me out. Looks good though.

Travel Tick

My career, no matter what it eventually may be, will not be boring by a long shot. Even as I sat in the waiting room today, my skin crawled with the notion of a desk job. The kind of job where the only things that excite you throughout the day are the fan turning on and off, lunch breaks, having to take a piss, and maybe the dirty magazine you keep in your filing cabinet. No thanks, not for me.
Even after being home for only days after traveling, I want back out. The thrills were all there on this trip: the strangers, the scrounging, the filth, the distance. I travel quite a bit for someone my age, only because I allow myself to. I have no sympathy for those who are jealous, because I have no more opportunity than the next person. Initiative is what separates the do'ers from the dreamers. All it takes is some simple planning, some vision, some money, and you're off. Don't wait for your friends to finish three years of school, just go get it.

On that note, I have to go clean the trailer. In two hours I'll be a robot.

don't forget to tweet

To be honest, I'd love nothing more than to get into Twitter.

The whole idea excites me.

I know many people who use it.

I think my account would be hilarious.

However, I can't find any good reason to do it. It's just another thing that I'd get people to visit (not that I encourage visits to this blog, ever), which would also suck another thirty minutes out of my already busy days.

That, and Schmitter on Twitter is already taken.

... but should I?