of the day

Quick question:

If you faint while lying in bed, would that be called sleeping?

I drove the Tut

I was thinking just now about the upcoming King Tut exhibit coming to the AGO in late November, and a lot of questions arose.

For starters, the coffin of King Tut has to actually arrive at the AGO. How does this happen? More interestingly, who gets to ride shotgun with King Tut? Do you think they stop to pee at McDonalds when King Tut himself is in the backseat? What kind of vehicle do they use? You'd hope it was one of those armored bank trucks, but maybe it isn't? Maybe they leave him exposed in the backseat of a Ford Windstar.

This next part came from an interest I had with famous rock stars entering concert halls and arenas. At some point, they're exposed to the air outside, which is funny to think because at one point they had to walk into the building from their bus - which is something people don't really consider because they view them as objects of entertainment, not living, breathing people who take sharp shits and get foot cramps like the rest of us. In the case of King Tut, could you look over at the AGO at one point and see him being carted from the truck? Because, at a certain time, King Tut has to go from the truck to the museum. Now, I know they wouldn't push the Tut out open on the streets, but you get the picture.

How do they know when King Tut arrives? Do they call the museum like it was a pizza delivery? Like they were ordering from Pizza Tut?

"Hey, uhhh, yeah. I'm the King Tut driver, and we're almost here. We can't find Spadina. What? I'm circling around man, and I can't find Spadina. Dundas? Where's Dundas? Dude, King Tut is in the back, where the hell am I going??"

It's not like they're toting around town with lumber in the back. It's the fucking TUT: one of the most incredible and sought-after artifacts known to man. So who's driving the car? Is that something the driver puts on his resume? "I drove The Tut."

To be totally honest, I have another two dozen questions lined up.

p.s. I couldn't resist that Pizza Tut pun. I'm far too Schmidt to pass that little gem up.

escape from the city

fuck it.



i get tired of people, in the general sense, quite easily. i circle streets at night and realize what a dismal thing humanity really is. i haven't quite decided whether life is truly difficult or impossibly easy, and i don't lose sleep over it.

i've decided to send out an open invitation to all girls who are interested in cutting all strings and moving to the country with me.

we'll wear denim, sleep in, kiss a lot and have a dog.
i'll drive you into town in my truck when you want, and i'll pick up the paper.
we'll build a library in our bedroom and our floors will creak louder than the weather vane on the roof.
things will be quiet most of the time, until we decide to spin records and dance.

no experience necessary. only requirement is that dirt under the nails needn't be a problem at times.

if you're not going to turn it off, turn it up

There's nothing like a fuck-off-sized lightning storm to scare the shit out of everyone. It's actually quite humbling to be honest. Just when you think to yourself "damn I should go get groceries", sorry Jack, you're staying in tonight.

Storms are funny that way. My brother and I used to landscape for a woman who really, really loved storms. She'd go on and on about how powerful and primal they were and how much she loved the energy. Later we'd laugh about how she probably got extremely horny when she heard thunder, even though we both secretly wanted to bang her.

Come on Mike, you KNOW you did.

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Here's a story: When I was young I went to an eighth grade pool party. Everyone was swimming in our friends pool. My one friend Chrissy (a guy) was there. He didn't know how to swim, so his mom attended every pool party and made him wear water wings. It was a real buzz kill. The funny thing was, Chrissy was tall enough to stand in the deep end, so he looked ridiculous wearing water wings in the first place.

Everyone heard thunder, so my friends mom made us get out of the pool. We all huddled under the awning and ate soaking wet chips. Surely enough, lightning struck the pool. Not ten feet away, a huge white beam came down and struck the water, followed by the single loudest sound I've ever heard. Try to imagine a thousand car accidents happening at once in front of you.

I can easily say I will never be that close to a bolt of lightning ever again.

I almost wish Chrissy was in that pool, mostly because I'm curious of those water wings and if they'd explode.

Also, at that same party I kicked a girl in the vag' accidentally while we were on her trampoline. I was going up, she was coming down, I had my foot out, and she happened to catch it between her legs. We didn't talk much after that.

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On a final note: Do epileptics get seizures during lightning storms? I'm talking BIG lightning storms. It seems logical to me. If so, would they have to close their eyes if they were outdoors during a storm? Would they have to draw the blinds at home? I'd hate to see someone on the street, soaking wet, having a seizure. In this town they'd probably be thrown in the drunk tank.