"we was like peas and carrots"

Usually before I go to bed I stream a movie online to help me fall asleep faster. 

On this particular day I happened to notice something hilarious right before I fell asleep. 

Forest Gump was on. I usually favor falling asleep to things I've seen a hundred times. It kind of helps to not be distracted when you're trying to get to la la land. However, right as I was dozing off, the feed lagged right on an amazing frame of the movie:

young Forest getting smoked in the face by a rock! YES! It stayed still on this frame for about a minute.

Now normally this part bums me out because of those asshole Southern kids and their rock-throwings, but this screen capture was just too good to be true. I think I was a nanosecond away from capturing the rock itself. On top of that, the photo is just amazing: Forest's jacked face and Jenny's nonchalant gaze into the distance. I couldn't help but add "peas" and "carrots" to the photo.

Is this funny to anybody else besides me? I may submit it to Reddit. Maybe even as a .gif sequence.

golden boy

I may be late on this viral internet story, but I'm going to share it anyway. This is the story of Ted Williams - a man that was homeless up until being shared around the world via internet for his incredible "golden" voice.

I thought of just continuing through my day upon finding this, but found it too inspiring and important to simply cast aside. It simply goes to show that talent and imagination can still be found in today's bland world of gadgetry.

He now owns a house in Cleveland and is a broadcaster for the Cleveland Cavaliers. Watch the video below. I promise it will impress.

lots of cream, lots of sugar

Spend the first day of the year with Mr. Wolf.

don't forget to tweet

To be honest, I'd love nothing more than to get into Twitter.

The whole idea excites me.

I know many people who use it.

I think my account would be hilarious.

However, I can't find any good reason to do it. It's just another thing that I'd get people to visit (not that I encourage visits to this blog, ever), which would also suck another thirty minutes out of my already busy days.

That, and Schmitter on Twitter is already taken.

... but should I?

to some it comes easy

Lately it appears I've been a part of some good media exposure.

I had an interview in last months issue of Scene , which I wish I had to show you because it was hilarious. The title of the article was called Hue Looks For Northern Exposure at NXNE. The introduction to the article was a bunch of garbage about how a lot of bands have made it big at this festival in the past by playing one amazing show, and that we hope to do the same. I retorted by saying that becoming popular by playing NXNE is unrealistic and very assuming, and that all you can really do is play your best and hope that those in the audience remember your name. If you really want to read the article, I have it at home. It hangs by my fridge.

Secondly, I got a text the other night saying I was on tv. I assumed it was from an eTalk segment filmed earlier that day, where I creeped into Kevin Brauch's shot by standing behind him during his report on Luminato.
Turns out it was another re-run of our segment on Rogers Cable's London Calling. Although the rest of that episode was irreverant trash, our segment turned out half-decent. You can usually catch it on your local Rogers Cable network, between the hours of 3am and 5am.

Then, last Saturday I was at the Bovine Sex Club watching Inward Eye play their NXNE set. If you've never heard of these guys before, you probably will before you're dead. They are probably the closest thing to a young version of The Who. They're an incredible live band, they sound super tight, and most of their songs are rad to the boner. Just when I thought we were a hard working band, I watch these guys and they make me feel like a blubbering vagine. That, and Dave the bassist doesn't make me feel bad for sweating like crazy on stage, because he sweats buckets.
Anyway, on to the point. Our manager Cory Gram-Cracker pulled us out of the bar for some unknown reason. We were all pretty bagged by that point - mostly due to the vodka he was forcing on us behind Reverb before the show started.
Turns out he met some of the guys from Aux TV earlier in the night and they wanted to film an interview with me. I was pretty much forced, which is cool because I like interviews.



You can see my four-second clip at around 5:02. Here are some of my thoughts on that single clip:

a) I looked good. Earlier on in the night I'd seen Riverdance, and then went straight to the shows once it was over. Cool white shirt and a nice crisp vest. Daaaammn.

b) I'm yelling. As you can probably hear in the background, it was noisy as hell. Throughout the interview (which may or may not ever be seen), I continuously needed questions repeated because I couldn't hear jack shit, and then had to scream the answers just to hear myself think. I do wish it was available in full though, because I said some funny drunk shit.

c) I look like Bobby Flay. There's nothing really to add there.

d) The other guests. Okay, if you continue to watch the clip, you'll see some other artists. Those artists include Gentlemen Reg (whom I listen to on a daily basis) and John from In Flight Safety (who I once listened to on a daily basis). This made me shit myself because they both make amazing tunes and I'd never imagine being butted up against them in a video reel.

e) I'm the youngest. That's just the facts.

f) I'm well on my way to the "Big Kahuna". If you don't know what that means, you'll understand in about a month.

The only thing that would put the cherry on top of all this exposure would be if we end up doing this radio interview we've been slated to do in Ottawa in two days.

most of the time, my head's just fine

Lately I've been getting a lot of phantom vibes. This is basically the mental phenomenon involving the sensation of your phone either ringing or vibrating, without it ever happening. I'm sure anyone who's owned a phone for more than three months has been a victim of this. I've been experiencing it all too much lately. Even as I sit here writing this, I'm either picking up on certain notes that my phone makes while watching tv, or I'll shift a certain way and can feel phantom vibes in my jeans.

I honestly hate this feeling. Like anything I feel has hit its limits, I'll cut it off. Therefore, I'm going to be leaving my phone off for the next few days. I'll turn it on once a day to respond to any missed calls or texts, but that's about it. Just some time to clear my head, and to stop imagining my ringtone Get Up Offa That Thing every ten minutes.

a new low

I currently sit in front of my television watching something that I think is quite historical. I am watching Hulk Hogans Celebrity Wrestling, and it's the worst show that has ever aired on television.

The Lowdown: This is a reality show that basically revolves around washed up actors/musicians/athletes and radio jockeys. The goal of the show is to impress the Hulk and his panel of southern brothers. These wrestlers act out the stupidest wrestling sequences I've ever seen, all for the smallest amount of pride you can imagine

The Good: The Hulk is more orange than a tangerine, and you get to watch the worst celebs on the planet kick each others asses and lose all self respect.

The Bad: Everything. In the first ten minutes I'd never felt so violated mentally. I just saw Danny Bonaduce body slam a girl, right before he got leveled by the 400 pound boxer Butter Bean. I'm currently watching a match between Dennis Rodman and Dustin Diamond, aka Screech. This is ridiculous. And the worst part is that they look to the Hulk for approval after every body slam, in hopes that they won't get eliminated and be called a "jobroney" on national tele. Another crap thing is that, for some reason, the show didn't spring for the audience cheering sound effects, so the entire show has this weird quietness that just shows how unenlightening it really is. This show only furthers the fact that entertainment as we know it has hit an all time low. Nothing is new, everything is dumb, brother!

Selloutmania!

deadly weapons

The other day I was flipping through the paper and decided to read one of a hundred articles on felons. As usual, any journalist will state where the person is from, and what they were convicted for. Around this point, I came across a term that I've never fully wrapped my head around:

Assault With a Deadly Weapon

Now, there is no doubt that some weapons are indeed, deadly. But really, isn't every known object capable of killing somebody?

My confusion concerns around when an object ceases to be non-life-threatening, to the point where it can end somebodies life. For example, say you and I are playing catch on a nice, sunny day. No problems, right? All of a sudden, I decide that I'm going to throw some serious smoke your way, so I throw a 300 mph fastball, right through your chest! Obviously I am going to be thrown in jail for first-degree murder, as well as assault with a deadly weapon. But when did this conversion happen? When did that baseball stop being a ball of fun and start being a ball of death?

Just for fun, I've decided to compile a couple things that I could easily kill you with, which were pretty harmless in the first place.

I'll start with Rick.

First, before anything, I would take the CD out of the case and play it. You'd be having a good time, because we would laugh at Rick Astley's super-black voice. It's such a deep, soulful, and rich voice that we can't stop laughing when we look at the cover. Then I'd beat you with the case (because they're usually cracked when you buy them in the first place, right?).

The nail clipper. Ooooooh.
One minute you're cutting your nails, the next, you're dead! Probably around that time you cut just too close to the nail bed and bled to death, even though you knew you were going to do it, but you just didn't want to cut that nail again for a very long time.
At what point did these two pieces of metal become deadly?
Various sports balls.
I can easily say I've been victimized by any sort of sporting goods equipment at one point or another. I've been hit from 200 yards by a golf ball. I've had a tennis ball in my eye. I caught a football with my upper lip. A kid threw a softball at my nose. The list is endless.

You may look at the photo above and assume that these are all either displays of abuse, or damage at the workplace. But they are in fact all Wii related incidences! That's right, you could kill a muthafucka with one of those things. Wailing your arms around at top speeds in a small room with a friend while simulating kicking their ass is grounds for a deadly weapon, I think. Hell, even I've almost killed somebody with one.

Pencils are sharp and pointy. You get the idea.

My beef is only with the phrase. Yes, we all know that this person tried to kill someone with a normally harmless object, so maybe I am just feeling sympathy for that object. I butter knife is just as dangerous as a machete, and a slingshot is just as deadly as a gun. It's all in the application and intention. Assault With a Deadly Weapon just doesn't make sense because at their core, everything is dangerous.

However! I do have a solution. A new law! It's called:

"Assault With a Friendly Weapon"

It's for all those Wii-murderer assholes.