the machinists

Yeah it's been a while. For some reason I'll leave the house in the morning wanting to write something, then lose interest over the course of the day, for whatever reason. I could however, spout off on a certain diet that I've been on as of late.

My friend Aaron and I decided to depart on one of the more radical diets known within Hollywood (for film buff's, Christian Bale used this method to lose something like 60 pounds for his role in The Machinist). As I'm sure Aaron looked into the mirror with the same sort of discontent for his body as I did, we decided to hold hands and take the plunge together. That was eight days ago.

The diet consists of mainly apples (of any variety) and canned tuna, with a few personal exceptions (he eats carrots, I eat leafy greens), you know, just to spice things up. This diet/cleanse/whatever I assure you, is not as healthy as it sounds. Even with a daily dose of multivitamins, your body still requires much more than acidic fruit and fish. I realized this days into it. We loosely set personal goals for ourselves. Mine was to either last until this upcoming Friday (rounding off at about 12 days), or to lose ten pounds. I weighed myself on a friends scale across town on the first day, weighing in at 194. I haven't been back since, but I'll ball-park that I've lost about 8. I can see my ribs when I suck in for fuck sake's.

I was attracted to this diet for two main reasons. One, two lose a fare bit of weight. It's not that I'm wildly overweight, but I've just become pretty lacklusted about the way I see myself over the past few months. Not like "eating disorder" bummed, but I'm sure you know what I mean. The second was just the pure personal will to do it, as well as the deprivation of what I hold so dear: food.
I can make almost anything in my kitchen or yours. I love to cook, and I do it everyday. Yet this apple/tuna has got me really bummed because I can't even combine the two into something edible. Sure I can bake apples, but the taste remains.
One of the more challenging aspects of this hunger is just living where I do, and being surrounded by unbelievable cuisine. Little Italy, Little Portugal, Chinatown and everything ethnic in between. Although not so terrible now, the cravings were almost unbearable at times. I actually saw spit shoot out of my mouth once on the street, I kid you not. So in this respect, it is not the process of being hungry, but the reward that will come once it is all over - whenever that may be.

There have been some tough times I'll admit. I actually almost fainted in the computer lab at school last weekend before clinging to a vending machine with my head between my legs, punching in #143 to get some Crispers. All Dressed, of course. At that point, I knew these days were coming to an end. I can't say I was surprised though: apples aren't much aside from water, and tuna, by now, I've cut out of my diet completely and either eat salmon or cous cous. It's safe to say I ruined tuna for myself for a while, which sucks because I cringe at Gold Seal's promotional tuna posters spattered around the streets of Toronto.

I'll post a final weight loss figure on this site once I stop for good.

Oh and a big plus is that you get drunker WAY faster.

Use All Your Shit!

If I were to have my own cookbook, the cover would be exactly Phoebe Gilman's Something From Nothing, except the old mans face would be substituted with my own.

When I cook, I can literally take anything in my house and make it into something relatively tasty. It's always been that way. Mind you, I wasn't so good at it when I didn't know anything about balance, texture, flavor bases or combination, but I still tried.

I've always wanted to have my own cooking show called Use All Your Shit!
It would go like so: I would show up to peoples houses (not invite myself over like that Australian prick on Take Home Asshole), to which I would open their fridge and pantry doors and concoct something delicious out of what they thought was "nothing".

I'll give you an example of this.

As of now, and for the past few days, I've had virtually nothing in my fridge. Lets say I had five items in there at most.

Last night I made deep fried vegetarian spring rolls with cheese, a homemade batter and even a dipping sauce from scratch.

Tonight I made a rosemary-infused cream of chicken soup with spinach, red onion, and diced carrots. For dessert I had a puree of strawberries and maple syrup on toast with a glass of red wine.

I swear to you - if you looked in my fridge you'd see nothing but stray bags of barely-there vegetables, a stick of butter, and rolls of film. I'm not normally the type to gloat, but I'm really fucking good at being creative in the kitchen. I could make you a roast chicken out of shards of glass if I wanted to.

ps. Except for that one time: I made Mike eat this "casserole" I made that was made only from wonder bread, sliced ham, white onion, and egg. That was fucking horrendous, and crunching into that burden still haunts me to this day. Sorry Mike.

Favourite Food Network Personalities, Part 2

In Search of Perfection is an instant classic. The
premise alone is enough to make anyone watch:
some scientist chef, trying to perfect the most simple of dishes. Heston Blumenthal is a brilliant guy. He not only has the best restaurant in the world, but the craziest approaches to cuisine that I've ever seen. Every, single, ingredient is prepared perfectly with the use of everything from dry ice, to beakers, to torches, to pennies.
The only really annoying part about this show is that not only are the dishes perfect, but they're impossible to make at home. Common phrases from Blumenthal usually sound like this: (in British accent)

"Now take your pie crust and line it with cheese cloth, double layered, that has been chilled in the refrigerator for at least three hours. This will prevent the rare Venezuelan butters from drying out and separating the crust. Pour Canadian pennies into the cheese cloth and allow pie to rest at room temperature for about three days."

I wish I was joking.
Something else I can't forget to mention is the theme song. It's probably the only song I've ever heard that is permanently stuck in my head, and I'm not even mad about it. I want to hear it all the time. I want to wake up to it, shower to it, have sex to it, drive my car to it, and want it played at my funeral. Diggi ding'ding deng dung dun ding...Diggi ding'ding deng dung dun ding

Gordon Ramsay

Damn, this guy is cool. Without any hint of sarcasm, I look up to this guy.
I will admit, I don't like Hells Kitchen; I think it's just Fox exploiting Ramsay's somewhat temperamental behaviour and making him play into this lunatic character that Americans love so much. Kitchen Nightmares is awesome. Basically, Ramsay goes around to the worst restaurants in England, cuts them up for the first half of the show, then turns things around and uses his restaurateur skills to bring back some business. Aside from his tough-ass exterior, the guy is just hilarious. His British mannerisms kill me. If you can hear me howling when I'm watching tv, it's usually one of three things: Seinfeld, black stand up, or Ramsay.

"Bloody hell", "Fuck sakes", "I bet the hole in my butt, big boy", he represents something I believe in: swearing is something that can be done well, tastefully, and with purpose. Fuck and shit, believe it or not, are two very versatile adjectives and nobody utilizes them better than Gordon. There's only a single downside to his shows: they always contain a short scene where he changes his shirts, revealing a bare-chested Ramsay, which is always awkward for the viewer. Regardless, I'm a fan of this guy. Bollocks!

License to Grill

I should mention, that I am a fairly new fan to the Food Network. So new, in fact, that I am still new to certain shows. License to Grill, being one of them.
It was love at first sight.
This guy is awesome, mostly due to his passion for grilling meat on barbeque's. He loves it. I don't blame him either; if I had my own show I'd be buying full cuts of Porterhouse and bags of clams too. He's got some really great grilling ideas and is a tonne of fun to watch, with more catch phrases than Groucho Marx.

Bob Blumer

Bob is the best. He's just one of those convincingly harmless guys. He drives a giant toaster and attempts near impossible challenges. I'll admit, he's not the most amazing chef ever. Surreal Gourmet was a bunch of thrifty weird dishes made from his toaster kitchen on wheels, most of which I don't think I'd ever try.
Glutton for Punishment is the newer, snazzier attempt at Camp Blumer. This show rules life. Crazy challenges, interesting people, great facts on intriguing foods, travel and always humorous. Plus, his hair is awesome. I try to copy it.

Guy's Big Bite

A lot of people hate Guy. Hell, even I hate Guy. Is it his Corey Feldman 'do, his sports-jock presence, his Gino tan, or his buddy friends on his show that try to look like they're having fun but they're not even friends with Guy and they're just there to get drunk off of Guy's martini's and get paid.
At the same time, I love Guy. He's got some tasty grilling methods and his flame-bowling shirts never fail to make me laugh. Guy's Big Bite is an admirable attempt at trying to get guys (of the macho variety) to watch the Food Network.
Diners, Drive-Ins, and Dives is also a pretty good show. It's a lot like Alton Browns "tour-du-getting fat", only Southwest.

Above everything, if Guy came up to me and asked to be friends, I'd say yes, then drink his Martini's.

to be continued...