should have been a writer

Haircuts Are Kind Of Like Avocado's

By Andy Schmidt

Haircuts are kind of like avocado's.
You're excited when you first get it, and it usually costs a small fortune.
It's hard to pick which one you want.
It looks great, but there's something just not right about it.
You think it will grow faster by keeping it in the sun more,
and by the time it's just the way you want it,
it's fucking ruined.

The End.

the machinists

Yeah it's been a while. For some reason I'll leave the house in the morning wanting to write something, then lose interest over the course of the day, for whatever reason. I could however, spout off on a certain diet that I've been on as of late.

My friend Aaron and I decided to depart on one of the more radical diets known within Hollywood (for film buff's, Christian Bale used this method to lose something like 60 pounds for his role in The Machinist). As I'm sure Aaron looked into the mirror with the same sort of discontent for his body as I did, we decided to hold hands and take the plunge together. That was eight days ago.

The diet consists of mainly apples (of any variety) and canned tuna, with a few personal exceptions (he eats carrots, I eat leafy greens), you know, just to spice things up. This diet/cleanse/whatever I assure you, is not as healthy as it sounds. Even with a daily dose of multivitamins, your body still requires much more than acidic fruit and fish. I realized this days into it. We loosely set personal goals for ourselves. Mine was to either last until this upcoming Friday (rounding off at about 12 days), or to lose ten pounds. I weighed myself on a friends scale across town on the first day, weighing in at 194. I haven't been back since, but I'll ball-park that I've lost about 8. I can see my ribs when I suck in for fuck sake's.

I was attracted to this diet for two main reasons. One, two lose a fare bit of weight. It's not that I'm wildly overweight, but I've just become pretty lacklusted about the way I see myself over the past few months. Not like "eating disorder" bummed, but I'm sure you know what I mean. The second was just the pure personal will to do it, as well as the deprivation of what I hold so dear: food.
I can make almost anything in my kitchen or yours. I love to cook, and I do it everyday. Yet this apple/tuna has got me really bummed because I can't even combine the two into something edible. Sure I can bake apples, but the taste remains.
One of the more challenging aspects of this hunger is just living where I do, and being surrounded by unbelievable cuisine. Little Italy, Little Portugal, Chinatown and everything ethnic in between. Although not so terrible now, the cravings were almost unbearable at times. I actually saw spit shoot out of my mouth once on the street, I kid you not. So in this respect, it is not the process of being hungry, but the reward that will come once it is all over - whenever that may be.

There have been some tough times I'll admit. I actually almost fainted in the computer lab at school last weekend before clinging to a vending machine with my head between my legs, punching in #143 to get some Crispers. All Dressed, of course. At that point, I knew these days were coming to an end. I can't say I was surprised though: apples aren't much aside from water, and tuna, by now, I've cut out of my diet completely and either eat salmon or cous cous. It's safe to say I ruined tuna for myself for a while, which sucks because I cringe at Gold Seal's promotional tuna posters spattered around the streets of Toronto.

I'll post a final weight loss figure on this site once I stop for good.

Oh and a big plus is that you get drunker WAY faster.

i can see claritin now my rash is gone

After four days of incredible partying, dancing (my legs are whooped) and Valentineage, the dust has settled, slightly. I'll be heading back home for a few days later this afternoon, mostly with intention to visit family, friends, and shoot my term project.

This will most likely entail the drainage of my savings, seeing as I'm purchasing a brand new Sigma wide-angle lens for my digital body. But hey, that shit lasts forever, and who doesn't want a wide-angle lens anyway? Hopefully when I'm home I'll shake this cold, which has been perpetual for over a month now. On top of that, last night I experienced my all-time worst allergic reaction. A dark red rash spread over the upper half of my body covering my face, chest, neck, and arms. Seeing as I was scared shitless, I called my dad at 6 a.m. (karaoke, you understand), to which he granted me some sound advice and went to sleep.


The funny thing about this all is that I photographed the whole process, because I thought I was about to die. I showed my dad these photos and he wants to use them as allergic reaction examples when he teaches. Always glad to be of service.


The shitty thing about this is that I have no idea what I was allergic to. I came home after the bar and made my usual feast: oven-toasted pita with pepper, pan fried portobello mushrooms, arugula, hummus, and a big glass of pink lemonade. What the hell was I allergic to? I threw everything out this morning, including the giant pitcher of pink lemonade, which may have been the culprit of it all. Bummer, 'cause I love the pink.

But alas, after taking some Claritin, my face is back to normal. I also now have an epi pen.

amazing!

Before leaving for home, I decided that it would be a good idea to deep clean the house. Here in Toronto, the garbage system outside of waste and recycling also has a bin for organic compost. Seeing as I hadn't changed my bin in a while, it was go time.

There must have been some seriously rotten shit in there, because as soon as I removed the bag from the bin, I barfed!! Blluughghhaaaahhhuuuuwwa!!! Amazing! It smelled so rotten that I barfed right there on my lino floor!

I think barfing is the funniest shit ever. One time my dogs got sprayed by a skunk back home and the sheer smell of the skunky-dogs getting washed in the tub made my sister barf. I thought that was amazing.

I've never personally barfed from smell alone, until about ten minutes ago. It happened instantly. So rad.

I've never had a big problem with barfing. Most of my close friends know this. I used to barf on purpose after big nights of binge drinking, just so I wouldn't feel like shit in the morning. I don't do it anymore. Come to think of it, I've gone through all kinds of drinking ritual phases. Two sweet barfing instances come to mind: one was with Tiff on the Nathan Phillips Square ice rink last winter after drinking super expired McDonalds milk (one halfwit security guard thought we were bulimic, so I made him smell the milk), and the second with Meme in the city hall parking lot on top of a Smart Car, which subsequently led to Meme spewing the most amazing rice barf of all time.

Barf is awesome. Don't be afraid of it, unless you have the flu, then prepare for shittyness.

Honorable Mention goes to Lwam last Saturday night at the Madison, which was based on a gag reflex rather than drunkenness. Beautiful Heinekin barf cascading down a set of wooden stairs followed by the roar of 20 screaming jocks? RAD TO THE BONER.

Mom, Prague, Czech Republic

mom's the best. i meant to put up this photo a long time ago.

Raging Bull

Okay.
Everybody listen.
Scratch that.
Everyone in a band, or collective, listen.
Take the advice from ?uestlove (one of the greatest drummers/influences/aficionados/impacts on modern music today, from possibly one of the best hip hop groups of all time) and listen to him.
Sunday is Band Day.
Above any politics amongst your group, Sunday is Band Day.
Lately, Hue's has been Monday.
We drink tequila and freestyle.
I talk about cooking for the band, but the tequila is usually the deciding point.
Listen to ?uestlove.

my perfect:

I'm almost certain I've mentioned this before, but Search for Perfection is one of my favorite shows ever. The concept is incredible, Heston is really cool (except for his one whack nail), and it's really well filmed.
On top of all that, it's got the best theme song ever. I could listen to that song while doing anything: going for a run, having sex, studying, grocery shopping, scheming, robbing a bank, pleasure cruising, painting etc.

I recommend you give it a watch sometime.

Use All Your Shit!

If I were to have my own cookbook, the cover would be exactly Phoebe Gilman's Something From Nothing, except the old mans face would be substituted with my own.

When I cook, I can literally take anything in my house and make it into something relatively tasty. It's always been that way. Mind you, I wasn't so good at it when I didn't know anything about balance, texture, flavor bases or combination, but I still tried.

I've always wanted to have my own cooking show called Use All Your Shit!
It would go like so: I would show up to peoples houses (not invite myself over like that Australian prick on Take Home Asshole), to which I would open their fridge and pantry doors and concoct something delicious out of what they thought was "nothing".

I'll give you an example of this.

As of now, and for the past few days, I've had virtually nothing in my fridge. Lets say I had five items in there at most.

Last night I made deep fried vegetarian spring rolls with cheese, a homemade batter and even a dipping sauce from scratch.

Tonight I made a rosemary-infused cream of chicken soup with spinach, red onion, and diced carrots. For dessert I had a puree of strawberries and maple syrup on toast with a glass of red wine.

I swear to you - if you looked in my fridge you'd see nothing but stray bags of barely-there vegetables, a stick of butter, and rolls of film. I'm not normally the type to gloat, but I'm really fucking good at being creative in the kitchen. I could make you a roast chicken out of shards of glass if I wanted to.

ps. Except for that one time: I made Mike eat this "casserole" I made that was made only from wonder bread, sliced ham, white onion, and egg. That was fucking horrendous, and crunching into that burden still haunts me to this day. Sorry Mike.