add it to the list...

Am I the only one who's ever thought to invent Designer Milks? I'm talking about taking the milk that's been soaking in cereal for about twenty minutes and selling that as it's own product. Million dollar idea right there.

I can see it now: Cinnamon Toast Crunch Milk, Apple Cinnamon Cheerio Milk, Special K Milk, Shreddies Milk, Lucky Charms Milk. AWESOME! I'd drink that shit.

"Louis Farrakhan is openly black"

myth busters

Mike took off to Europe today for six weeks. To say I'll miss him is an understatement.
Have an awesome time "TraBike". Say hi to Barcelona for me.

smooth as a babies bum

Last Saturday I was scheduled to do a photo documentary on the Nuns.

About an hour before leaving, my sister (who works their reception desk) calls me and asks me to remove my beard! Apparently nuns do not like beards, for whatever reason.

Seeing as I really wanted to photograph them, I removed it without hesitation. I just thought it was funny, because I'm sure I'll never have to be asked by nuns to remove my beard ever again.

On a second note, one of the Sisters asked me if I had a girlfriend while talking in her suite. I said no. She then told me that she was going to pray for me. Isn't that amazing? Right now, there is a legitimate nun praying for women on my behalf. She even wrote in her prayer book "Andrew Schmidt. Girls." By god, I hope she works some magic.
I snapped a photo while she wrote it and will surely post it as soon as it's been processed.

days of flight

Ever stop to notice just how fast life moves? It's cheesy, but it's true. I was just cycling through some old material I'd written about this time last year, and it felt like yesterday I sat down and wrote it all.

It is now my personal goal to slow down time, except I'm not sure where to start. I do know that napping chops days into two pieces, so maybe I'll start there. Although, with such little sunlight these days, I best enjoy the sun while I can still get it.

I drove the Tut

I was thinking just now about the upcoming King Tut exhibit coming to the AGO in late November, and a lot of questions arose.

For starters, the coffin of King Tut has to actually arrive at the AGO. How does this happen? More interestingly, who gets to ride shotgun with King Tut? Do you think they stop to pee at McDonalds when King Tut himself is in the backseat? What kind of vehicle do they use? You'd hope it was one of those armored bank trucks, but maybe it isn't? Maybe they leave him exposed in the backseat of a Ford Windstar.

This next part came from an interest I had with famous rock stars entering concert halls and arenas. At some point, they're exposed to the air outside, which is funny to think because at one point they had to walk into the building from their bus - which is something people don't really consider because they view them as objects of entertainment, not living, breathing people who take sharp shits and get foot cramps like the rest of us. In the case of King Tut, could you look over at the AGO at one point and see him being carted from the truck? Because, at a certain time, King Tut has to go from the truck to the museum. Now, I know they wouldn't push the Tut out open on the streets, but you get the picture.

How do they know when King Tut arrives? Do they call the museum like it was a pizza delivery? Like they were ordering from Pizza Tut?

"Hey, uhhh, yeah. I'm the King Tut driver, and we're almost here. We can't find Spadina. What? I'm circling around man, and I can't find Spadina. Dundas? Where's Dundas? Dude, King Tut is in the back, where the hell am I going??"

It's not like they're toting around town with lumber in the back. It's the fucking TUT: one of the most incredible and sought-after artifacts known to man. So who's driving the car? Is that something the driver puts on his resume? "I drove The Tut."

To be totally honest, I have another two dozen questions lined up.

p.s. I couldn't resist that Pizza Tut pun. I'm far too Schmidt to pass that little gem up.

i got the blues

Let me clarify something:

When denim jackets are back "in", let it be known that I was one of the pioneers on the front lines.

bob ross sold beds?

Now, for your daily dose of pedophilia!
Sure!
I really don't have to go into any more detail, seeing as the jokes are front and center.

second thoughts

I just wrote, and deleted, a lengthy piece on ego-masturbation.

After realizing that it might offend some people, and that it was mostly just ranting and raving, I decided to keep it to myself.

Now, I know all about expressing yourself and why not to hold anything back, but some things are just meant to be kept in the old pumpkin I guess.

A lot of it came from watching American Psycho this afternoon I think, except when Patrick Bateman got mad, he killed people.

$

I was thinking about success today,
and I realized that I probably won't be impressed by it once it gets here.