cock-eyed

Just recently I've realized that my slang, abbreviations, and cockney-like delivery on words has made my everyday diction almost incomprehensible. I'm not sure what triggered this, but I'm well aware of it by seeing how many people I confuse on a daily basis. I'm going to write a couple lines, in simple English, then translate them into Times New Andy.

i) Hey friend. What time did you want to meet up for a drink later? I can't make it until at least 8. I have things to do. Goodbye.

Hey Brewhan. What's the dill on drizzing tonight? I'm a No-Can-Doosky till 8. Too much shit on the plate. Paaaece.

ii) Be careful when walking home tonight. Some people are just looking for trouble. Jees Louise.

Make sure you don't get jacked later cruising home. Some fuckheads are just down for rocking a mob. Fuck sakes!

Now, I should draw some sort of conclusion as to how such foul language came to be. I could easily take inspiration (if that's what you call it) from several specific, as well as broad sources. For starters, Trailer Park Boys has grossly effected my vocabulary. Words like rock, fuck, bang, brew, shit, cock, dick etc., can be sourced to most of my bad words. Listening to hip-hop will do this too, but that's where the tact comes from and not so much the words themselves. British people. They're a huge help. Brits have the most disgusting and appealing slang going on in the world today. At moments I hate it (there's nothing worse than a burly-brit-bitch who laughs too much at her own bad British jokes), and other times I think it's the most badass and tasteful way to swear, ever. Hell, guys swear at girls (and they like it), and kids swear at their parents (and they think it's cute).
I've had some help from George Carlin as well. His cusses flow like water and stabbed like knives, and nobody swore like George. His swearing also utilized a lot of purpose, which is something that gets easily lost in the act of using bad language. This is something I've had in the back of my mind when dropping bombs for several years now. This nothing more ignorant or unattractive than using cusses poorly, and I'll admit to doing it every so often. Such as using "fuckin..." as a space, segway, or intro to an idea. "She was like, fuckiinnn, lookin' at me n' shit."

Ig-no-runt.

helter skelter

Lately I've had a tonne on my mind. I've been meaning to write almost every day, yet can't bring myself to come up with anything solid. I think I'll just jot for now, and maybe elaborate one day.

- I've been listening to albums on shuffle on my discman. It's a nice feeling, almost like listening to them for the first time again. Some albums are even better on shuffle.

- I've been trying to grasp a better understanding of possessions. The other day I was sitting in my room and I realized that all this stuff is mine, it belongs to me. If I were to move, all this stuff would come with me. It's a very elementary thought, yet it's funny to imagine how much we all own. I'd like to see everything I've ever bought in a big room, so that maybe I could laugh at all the dumb things I've purchased over the course of my life. That actually reminds me of a piece I was planning to work on a couple years ago, which was sparked from the fact that everything costs. I was once fascinated by the fact that everything in this world has a literal value. Touch any object within arms reach, and I guarantee you that it cost somebody something at one point (and don't say air, smarty). The pieces were going to be very large cityscapes, but instead of paint or pencil, I was going to use a price gun, because everything costs, right? I still plan on doing this, the only hurdle was actually getting my hands on a pricing gun. I'm sure I'd run into so many hurdles that it would end up like that puzzle piece I did: an utter mental breakdown.

- I've been saying the word trivial a lot. The problem is, I can't think of any other words that are as effective fast enough. I'm sure it's just a phase.

- What's the best thing about the economic recession? The DEALS. I've never, and probably will never see such deals in my entire life. And the best thing about it is that there is competition amongst these big companies, so prices are just getting lower, and lower, and lower. Example: numerous subs at Subway are only $5 for a footlong here in Toronto. Me and meatball have become very good friends over these past few months.

- For the first time in a long time, I really like my room. Every so often I'll feng shui the shit out of it and it just seems to get better and better.

- I'm extremely excited for the U.S.A. I love that country, and the arrival of Barack Obama is such an amazing step forward for the nation and I can't wait to watch it all unfold. Come to think of it, I had a nightmare last night that went something like this.
Inauguration Day wasn't in Washington, but in Harris Park. There were about 300 people, including myself, waiting for the arrival of Senator Obama to be sworn in. For some reason, he arose from the horizon in a big Hawaiin Tropic hot air balloon. Sadly, when it came time for him to land a big gust of wind shot the balloon into the Thames river. I woke up at that point.

- I've started drinking a lot of caffeine again. The effects aren't really towards my heart, but my mouth! I can't shut the fuck up. Jitters aside, it is making me a lot more industrious.

- I'm not sure which is harder: Realizing the world is crazy, or having to live with that fact. I know I'm going to have a mid-life crisis. Actually, I have mid-day crisis' every day. The only reassuring thing is that I know my life will not be normal as years pass. Spontaneity is an attribute of my personality that will never be fully under control. The urge to cut my losses and flee is ever-present.

- Jenna once introduced me to the very simple concept of mystery. Not to strive towards, but to look for and introduce yourself to. Since then, my perspective on normality, people, places, and interaction has flipped on its can and I find myself wandering more than ever. The incredible thing about Toronto is that you can walk to the same destination twenty times, but you can take a different route every time. Especially around this time of year, after a night out, walking home through the strange ethnic sects of Toronto seems like another world, and certainly not one that is minutes from your front door.

- The opening the other week at Vdara was a great success. Thanks goes to everyone who came and gave me a piece of their mind, and their heart. I didn't expect to see as many as I did, and am always grateful for the amazing relationships I have with my friends. Special thanks goes to Mickey for the huge amount of work on my behalf, and to all the staff at Vdara for making me feel so welcome. Oh, and the lamb shank was top shelf.

- Hue is playing a show this Saturday 24th at The Horseshoe Tavern around 12am. Throw me a line if you want to get on the guest list. After party is at Dance Cave right after the show.

That's enough from me.

similarryties

Today I realized that the apples truly don't fall far from the trees. 

My dad and I make this pilgrimage to Oakville every few months to pick up oversized canvas from the gigantic DeSerres outlet store. I'm pretty sure the prices are the same as the one here downtown, but it's kind of fun to make the journey and we get a chance to catch up. 

So today we made that same trip. It went pretty much exactly the same as it usually does: we drove through shit weather, talked about bad drivers/the economy/work/family/the weather/sports (I pretend and nod a lot at that), we drank tim hortons, got off at the wrong exits and laughed at each others stank farts. It was business as usual. 

Once we got back to my studio, we cracked down on some manly shit. To be more specific, we drilled holes in the walls and used ladders. At around this point, I quickly became aware of how similar my dad and I really are. Once my dad uttered "Hey And, you got anything I can piss into?", I laughed and handed him my usual piss bucket and left him to do his business. 

The funny thing about that instance is that every time I've ever mentioned to someone that I have a piss bucket, they cringe and make a stupid face. My dad? We both understand that taking a piss is simply taking a piss, and there's nothing around it. Who cares that there's a jug of warm piss in the room? I just dump it into the drain outside my door. Be a man and get dirty for once you over-sanitized, kleenex-havin' baby! 

The next similarity came when he noticed my wagon wheel. Yes, I have a single authentic wagon wheel downstairs which I swiped from a leather ranch that had gone out of business. It was a hasslehoff to carry home, but I knew I'd use it for something eventually. He replied,

" Aw, sweet wagon wheel! You could turn that into a coffee table!", and that was my exact intention on having it. Because, the fact is, my dad would have grabbed that wheel off the street even faster than I did. We just both have an eye for useful junk. 

We continued to drill more holes (which will be used for hanging wet canvas instead of leaning them against the wall), crack jokes, and jam out to The Temptations. I explained the motion sensor problems I have and he told me of a friend who could remedy that problem. Excuse me? Where has this person been for the past three years while I've been doing stupid fucking jumping jacks all afternoon to keep the lights on? Needless to say, this person is coming over one day to hook me up, figuratively speaking. 

And to top off this story, he gave me a brand new step ladder! I am officially a man now, because I have my own ladder. All I need now is a truck, some more plaid, a baby, and over $50 in Canadian Tire money and I'm in the club. 

come and get hugged

Hey all. Just wanted to plug the fact that there will be an opening event for my recently-hung work here in Toronto. The show features three large pieces; none of which I've taken photos of yet (on purpose? that means you'll have to come see!). I consider this to be some of my more mature work to date, focusing on a more technical approach to the ever-simple subject matter that is the prairie landscape. Yet, they're big, colorful, and for sale. If anyone has any questions on the night, just shoot me a line by email and I'll give you the all the deets. And if you come I'll hug you, no doubt. Thanks.

andrew.allan.schmidt@gmail.com

BIG! Top Look- Alikes of the Year!

Okay. One gigantic hobby of mine, and several of my friends, is discovering uncanny look-alikes of others we know. But to my surprise, this year I was called out to more doppelgangers than ever. It seemed like every few days, some stranger would approach me with comments about how I look like so-and-so. Here's a list of my favorites from this year.
Prince William. Some lady commented on this young gent and our similarities. Now, this is not a dead ringer, but it surely was flattering. I don't have that cool ginger rosacea shit either. Regardless, he's a royal guy and I thought it was cute of her, even if she was old enough to be the Queen.

Peyton Manning. My friend Kudzai pulled this one out on me. I mistook him for Tom Brady at first, but this one was a little closer than I thought.
He had a point, although this is more of what future-andy might look like, and I wouldn't have made a career out of throwing a ball, because pro sports are all bullshit!, and I'll get to that topic at a later date.










Adam Savage. Yes, the second half to the brilliant Mythbusters duo. I actually brought this one on all by myself. Hell, I was Adam Savage for Halloween this year for chrissakes!
There are some striking similarities in there though. The foreheads are nearly identical. The eyes are, eeehhhh, they're close, but he's got that blue-eyed ginger shit going on. His beard is admirable though, I'll let the savage have that.







Tom Paris. This one took me entirely by surprise. For starters, I couldn't give less of a shit about Star Trek. I'm sure its good, but give me The Millenium Falcon over the Enterprise any day. A good friend of mine pulled this gem on me one morning and I had no idea what he was talking about. I thought he meant Neelix (look him up, I kind of look like that guy too). But to my surprise, Tom is easily one of the top candidates for the Andylike of the year.

Matt Sundin. There's really not a whole lot that needs to be said about this one. I'm pretty sure it started as a joke, but this Swede almost looks more like me than me! Just look at that guy. The only major difference is that I have more skin under my chin. Matt literally can't look up and have his mouth closed at the same time; there just isn't enough skin there. I, on the other hand, have a shit load that I'm looking to get rid of. So Matt, if you want some ginger neck goods, I'm a phone call away.
PS. I may just get that tattoo because its hilarious and redicu-bad.

Josh Homme. Again, out of nowhere, but I can see some potential for candidacy in this guy. For those of you who do not know Josh, he's the front man for Queens of the Stone Age. Take a look around for some images. He also has red hair, I just couldn't get a decent photo that wasn't all scrunchy-guitar-faced.

Bobby Flay. Honestly, this is the OG look alike. I've been approached on numerous occasions about this guy. The funny thing is, I really don't think I look that much like him. I think the only physical quality we have in common is our complexion, and that's about it. It's really just funny to joke about.

Danny Elfman. Damn you Mike! I hate this comparison, but at a few points in our lives we did look like each other. He's a lot older looking now and is all grizzled from what I'm assuming is due to countless hours scoring films, brilliantly. He certainly is an elf man.

Wayne Gretzky. Probably the absolute furthest from the source on this whole list. This was Danny's top pic, which makes me laugh because I don't see any of me in that face. Which is fine, because every science experiment needs a control - something to tilt the scale a bit.

Orc from The Lord of the Rings.
Every time Mike and I watch The Return of the King, we spot this one stupid orc at the Pelennor Fields battle and laugh. He's in the middle of firing this arrow and makes this ridiculous sound - which I'm awesome at emulating. Regardless, we both think that if I looked like an orc, it would be this lucky archer.
PS. this pic took me so long to find that if you don't laugh I'll be shooting you with an arrow myself.

new year

Well, here we are again, together. About to jump headfirst into another year of our lives. I usually takes this night pretty seriously; I'll have my resolutions all set out, some girl to kiss, a strong belly full of booze and good times on the mind. But as I sit here now, listening to all the bustle outside of my window, I'm slowly realizing that tomorrow is just another day, and that tonight is no different than the last.
Coming off of one of the most radical and complicated years of my life, I am in the mood for setting radical goals for myself. One being, is a springboard that stems from one of my all time largest fears: bad news.
If I sense the smallest bit of disappointment coming my way, I avoid it and shove it to the back of my mind, right about where the Savage Garden lyrics sit. So I've decided to grab life by the nuts and face this fear. Procrastination is another good one, but that comes with the fear of bad news. I've decided to punch myself in the head every time I catch myself consciously putting off something important. Well, maybe not in the head, but something. Aside from those majors, I've set forth a bunch of miniature goals as well, but those are for me to know. But enough about my babying, I should also mention that I had an excellent 2008 and look back with some pretty great feelings.

Something else happened a year ago exactly that I'll never forget. I was out with some friends in Nathan Phillips Square here in Toronto, waiting for the fireworks to ignite and plowing through the thousands of people that fill the square every year. There was a large group of us, so we took the beads off our christmas tree and made, basically, an idiot rope for us to all hang on to.

Moving along, I ended up meeting this paraplegic guy who was trying to enjoy the night. We ended up talking for a while but I could see his head was really cold from all the snow, so I decided to give him my toque. Later, during the fireworks, this group of guys were passing this huge holiday joint around and some of us decided to smoke it. At that point, I offered some to my wheeled friend and he totally accepted. So there we were: freezing our cans off, attached to a glitzy rope, watching the fireworks and embracing, and spoon-feeding a paraplegic a massive bud.
I said, then and there, that this was to be the funniest story of 2008 (only minutes after the bell had struck twelve), and I concluded last night that it really was. Hopefully I'll see this man later tonight.
So friends, from me to you, have a great night and enjoy whats left of the year. I had a good year, and the economic recession was probably one of the highlites. Seeing suicidal Wall St. dicks flood the front page of every newpaper for almost a year put a true smile on my face, because when you've got nothing, you've got nothing to lose. Don't forget your toque either.

monday morning

I had another great day in the studio today. Early start, cup of coffee, full generator and some of my favorite albums to listen to. After I emptied out the piss bucket (this space is underground, don't ask) and cleaned some dry brushes, I got to painting. The most difficult thing I think in landscape painting is revisiting a piece after around a week. Sometimes I need to paint wet-to-dry, so I need to allow the paintings the time to dry out a bit. Colors never seem to match and it's a massive struggle sometimes to get back into that palette and understanding what was where and how they've melded together in the past.

It's cold down there this winter. I can see my breath while I work and it drives me to distraction because I'm constantly warming my hands and blowing my nose. I'm starting to work my way into a more safe way of approaching chemicals and oil paints. It's not uncommon for me to wear plastic gloves and a cotton face mask, and I'll usually leave the door open to make up for my five inch "vent" that couldn't even ventilate a fart. Which leads me to my next point,

For those of you that don't know, I'm half way finished filming a mini-documentary about a trip I took through western North America early this past summer. One part of the trip documented all my painting research and sketches (as well as the trip itself), and the second will include the production of all the artwork, under certain circumstances.
Those being that I am willingly encasing myself in a concrete space for five days with no leaving and no sense of time, with the goal in mind of starting and completing at least six large-scale landscape works. I don't plan on leaving the room for this period which means:

no power (because it's technically a storage space)
no sunlight (also meaning no sense of what time of day it really is)
no watches (because I think that's funny)
no mirrors (because I'd like to see the shit-hole look and surprise when I come out
no running water (again, it's not made for living)
and no light switch (there's no switch; it's a motion-sensor, which means I cant stop moving)

Needless to say, I feel as though I'm getting very close to undertaking this adventure, and it kinda scares me (those who know me well know that I've been talking about this challenge for years now), but it's also really, really exciting.

a new low

I currently sit in front of my television watching something that I think is quite historical. I am watching Hulk Hogans Celebrity Wrestling, and it's the worst show that has ever aired on television.

The Lowdown: This is a reality show that basically revolves around washed up actors/musicians/athletes and radio jockeys. The goal of the show is to impress the Hulk and his panel of southern brothers. These wrestlers act out the stupidest wrestling sequences I've ever seen, all for the smallest amount of pride you can imagine

The Good: The Hulk is more orange than a tangerine, and you get to watch the worst celebs on the planet kick each others asses and lose all self respect.

The Bad: Everything. In the first ten minutes I'd never felt so violated mentally. I just saw Danny Bonaduce body slam a girl, right before he got leveled by the 400 pound boxer Butter Bean. I'm currently watching a match between Dennis Rodman and Dustin Diamond, aka Screech. This is ridiculous. And the worst part is that they look to the Hulk for approval after every body slam, in hopes that they won't get eliminated and be called a "jobroney" on national tele. Another crap thing is that, for some reason, the show didn't spring for the audience cheering sound effects, so the entire show has this weird quietness that just shows how unenlightening it really is. This show only furthers the fact that entertainment as we know it has hit an all time low. Nothing is new, everything is dumb, brother!

Selloutmania!

hue and lights at cto

Last night was an outstanding show.
After a grueling amount of rehearsals over the past weeks, we pulled together a well-received set that was over 3/4's new material. There were a lot of highlights to the show as well: I got to play the drums sideways, Darcy and I both had solo's during a jazz intermission (except he got to play the kazoo), we had a song that was just drums and whistling, and most importantly, nothing broke or disconnected. It was just one of those shows where everything went smooth from start to finish, except when our sound guy Eric had us set up onstage in front of everybody, only to make us wait while he took a piss. But once we hit the stage, it was all set to go.

Seeing as we were playing with the pop-wonder LIGHTS (myspace.com/lights) we knew that people would show up, but we weren't ready for how many.
I got a text from my sister early on in the night asking when to show up for the show, I replied "come now, there's 150 people waiting to get in", and that was before the doors even opened. Once they did, the place just flooded and we were to hit the stage in about an hour. By the time we'd finished our set, the Sold Out sign was placed on the front door. It got really, really tight. Once we hit that last note (or punch), it was time to tear down everything at record pace. Yet the only problem was, we couldn't get off the stage. People had surrounded every corner of Call the Office and we had no way of getting our gear off the stage. So we (meaning Hue and Everlea) formed a gear-train that involved lifting huge amps above our heads in an effort to get everything off the stage so that the next set of gents could get playing.
Another thing I wasn't expecting from this show was the general demographic. I forgot who we were playing with and what her fan base really is: screaming young girls. I am not, in any way, saying this is a bad thing. In fact, it was one of the most hilarious and enjoyable crowds we've ever played to. Playing to a hoard of girls kicked ass. After every song they'd cheer, and after everything you'd say they'd scream. I joked later about screaming "Does your mother like it dirty?"..."YAAAHBLLAAHHAAA!" I even threw away broken sticks at the end of the show, and they ate that shit up. I guess if you're too young to drink, you have to have your vices, which leads me to my next point: these kids spend!
Not only did they like the music, but they wanted to have it. Apparently we sold over twenty albums last night and filled up over two sheets of paper for a mailing list. We also signed a lot of CD's, which made me feel like a rockstar dickhole, but it was all in fun and it was nice to meet a lot of cool people.
Needless to say, the night was a huge success and I only want to tour with popular female musicians, forever.

hi, i'm a mac

Yeah yeah yeah yeah, new laptop. Fairly excited.
I found it really strange when I was asked about my new computer, to which my response was pretty unenthusiastic. But really, what is there to get excited about when your computer has nothing on it? Photo Booth is fun, because I can make crazy faces, but other than that I'm still getting used to the platform. Macs are funny machines. Everything is quite streamlined, but it's like learning to ride a bike again. I've been rocking on windows so long that I know no other way around. So yes, it will be a many days reading manuals and playing around with hotkeys, which is kind of fun. One thing weird about this computer is that the "v" key is HYPER SENSITIVE. By that I mean I just have to touch the key, not even press, and the fucker clicks. So I've been seeing all these v's spread out randomly through my writings, and if I leave my finger on the key without looking, a huge mess of v's show up, like this vvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvv. I probably changed some sensitivity settings without thinking, or not.
Aside from that, I plan on acquiring some nifty programs: Photoshop, Logic Pro, Final Cut, all the Garage Band Jam Packs (thanks Dan), and maybe something else nifty. Even with the new machine, I still do not plan on downloading music, mostly just because I feel bad when I do. Sometimes I feel that if I can't afford it, I shouldn't hear it, which is rediculous in many ways and I could analyze that to death, but I won't.

Lately, I feel as though I've been in horrible overall health. Not only do I feel like I'm going to faint all the time, but I've been getting short flu flashforwards. My knee painfully buckled yesterday when walking, which is incredibly random because I've never experienced any sort of injury down there. Other than that, my friend Aaron and I have decided to become men and grow mustaches, which is really funny because we both have blonde facial hair and we look hilarious because the staches are transparent.

Things I've been into lately:
- the fact that I can learn anything, which is an elementary idea, but it excites me to no end.
- George Carlin. Watch his material online and be enlightened. I'll soon post some favourites of mine.
- Bill O'Reilly (the exact opposite of Carlin). Quite possibly one of the largest assholes on the Fox Planet, but so entertaining to watch and such a flaming patriotic jackhole.
- Considering a degree in fine art.
- Chicago
- Bruce Springsteen's Devils and Dust
- Film. Fuck digital, for the moment.
- Working on my bounce-flash technique (thanks for the tips Jenna)
- new Hue songs
- realising that I don't have to wait until New Years for a resolution
- asking questions, a lot of them.
- drip coffee (ps. since when?)
- the voice recorder on my phone, which I use almost every day. most of it is freestyles.
- freestyling

There, now you know what I'm interested in at the moment. Do you care? The only reason I do is because I can look back on this post one day and laugh about drip coffee and freestyling.

One last thing that is somewhat of interest to me: Taking your current state of personality and analyzing what parts of you came from which parent. That's one thing I'd like to unravel, and I recommend you do the same.