Forget Maui

In this next piece, I will demonstrate how the 1996 action film The Rock missed out on what could have produced an iconic catchphrase in cinema history, through the changing of only one word of dialogue.
 
For those of you who have no idea what movie I'm talking about (if you're a man, you would have to be part of the 1%), I'm talking about THE fucking ROCK. Although I first saw this movie before I was able to create any sort of critical judgments, I still love it just as much as I did during my prepubescent years. Just look at the title. It's probably one of the most manly approaches to a movie title ever. I have no doubt that in the first draft of writing, this film was called The Cock. It's basically action-dude-brofest-deluxe. Kind of like Predator, but with more shirts and less muscles.

The first half of the movie establishes Dr. Stanley Goodspeed (Nicholas Cage) as an engaged chemist pussy that has to convince John Mason (Sean Connery), who has been incarcerated for decades, to help in leading a special forces team into Alcatraz in order to stop a squad of U.S. Marines from engaging in chemical warfare on San Fransisco. It's acknowledged right from the start that John Mason is pretty much a huge salty bad ass who quantifies winners as those who "go home and fuck the prom queen". However, Mason does know the whereabouts of a microfilm which apparently contained all of the dirty secrets the U.S. government was hiding from over the last half-century.

The majority of the movie really centers on the dynamics and tensions between Mason's dick and Goodspeed's vagina, as they struggle together throughout the complex avoiding exlplosions and Marines. During the final minutes of the film, after deactivating the weapons and wasting the bad guys, Goodspeed and Mason share a moment together before parting ways(this can be seen below at around 4:30 in the clip). Mason recommends a place for him and his new wife to spend their honeymoon, which is somewhere in Kansas. Goodspeed replies "I was thinking Maui", to which Mason shakes his head, puts a piece of paper containing the resting place of the microfilm, and says "Forget Maui". 

I absolutely believe that this is a wasted piece of dialogue that could have been solidified into pop culture if he had just replaced "Forget" with "Fuck". Think about it: "Naa.....Fuck Maui". It just makes absolute sense in this scenario. Here we are, in the final moments of one of the best action movies of that decade, during maybe the only sweet moment in the entire 136 minutes of the film. A swear word hasn't been said in the longest consecutive stretch since the opening trailers, and here we have two grown men about to part ways after battling incredible odds together. Wouldn't it be just amazing to throw "Fuck Maui" in there just to cap off the character of John Mason? It's literally the last line Connery has in the film, and it really could have been so much more effective and true to his character if he just dropped one last bomb. The entire film has established that he's an asshole, so why try to hide it at the last minute?

You can almost hear him say it in the clip even. In fact, if you mute the clip entirely, it looks like he says "Fuck Maui". It really would have just been the perfect ending to the character's story, seeing as we know that he's now presumed dead and will probably continue a life of illegitimate bad assery.  

dode

I found this photo a few weeks back while sorting through my moms photo collection. Others would call it a heap, but I'll call it a collection. The photo is of my grandmother in her youth with a friend (the one in white). I estimated the photo was taken sometime in the mid-1950's

When I found it there was considerable damage. I included the original just to show how much work had to be done. That, and I just have a thing for photo restoration. There's something annoyingly challenging but rewarding about it. Anyway I thought it was a classy photo and thought I'd share.

Also, after applying a spray effect to her face in Photoshop, I noticed something eerie:

Ummmm, what the....? Is that me? Think about it.

hue video diary one

due to the lack of posts, i'll justify myself by putting this video up

billy jack

Sure, it's Saturday morning, and I have a lot to talk about.
But why talk when I can just watch Billy Jack clips online all day?
Here's a taste of my childhood. They sure don't make 'em like they used to.

i knew it sounded familiar

I saw Avatar for the second time last night. Now although the movie is literally a cinemagraphic milestone, the plot is absolutely nothing to write home about. Although at first I thought it was a direct copy of The Last Samurai, somebody else pinned the plot on the head.

lots of cream, lots of sugar

Spend the first day of the year with Mr. Wolf.

"YTV, pull that shit down!"

Mike and I recorded the Basement Edition of Talkin' Schmidt last night. The topics include:

BK: Lego vs. Legos , Excess Disney Sequels, Useless Hand-held Phone Tactics, Backpackers, Call of Brutal Children

Andy: Matilda and Satanic Messages, Ex Girlfriend w/ Boyfriend Etiquette, Anonymous Donors, Vegetable Commercial Motifs / Dad vs. Dolphins

Collectively: Specific Souvenir Requests, Chicken Soup for the Damaged Readers Soul

It was all filmed quite quickly and efficiently. Seeing as we haven't filmed an episode in almost a year, the topics flowed rather smoothly. The Crown Royal didn't hurt things either. Christmas time will do that to you

Robin Shouldn't

I always knew they'd make a sequel to Gladiator. I just don't know why they'd call Maximus by the name "Robin Hood". Russell can't touch Errol Flynn with a ten foot dick.

rosebud

For whatever reason, over the past few months the only thing I've felt like doing in my spare time is cooking and watching Citizen Kane. I have over one hundred movies in my house and I only ever feel like watching that one.

Aside from the incredibly gorgeous camera work, as well as the quality of the black and white footage, the film almost sounds like an album. I find when I'm cooking at home and watching say, a kung fu movie, I become more distracted with the visuals and end up burning my pork fried rice because I've been staring at the screen. However in the case of Citizen Kane, the movie relies far more on the narratives presented than the shots themselves. The script is slick and concise, which is why I could probably listen to the film on an mp3 player, if such a thing was possible.

If any of you readers have never seen the film, contact me and I'll run to your house to watch it with you, with a bottle of wine (I say that because most of the readers of this blog are femmes).

vampires

Although there is an endless number of topics I'd like to touch upon, my only real reason for posting is this:

This made my god damn day, twice. I hate this recent trend of vampire shit. I'd much rather the film industry gravitate back towards zombies. At least zombies don't fall in love and smear it on billboards.

biggups to Andrew for the pic...it's the most amazing thing I've ever seen.

somebody give us some moneeeeyyy

It's simple: Canadian cinema has no money.

I'm pretty sure the biggest budget film of all time is still, get this, Porky's.

While aching and groaning in sickness, one of my favorite activities is to sit on the Apple site and watch movie trailers for about two hours. It's fun, and I know a lot who do the same thing.

However, I went back a few pages and noticed a trailer for a film called Bull that was originally posted over the summer. I'm almost certain this is the only Canadian film currently on the Apple Trailers website. And boy is it a sad one. After watching the trailer with a bit of neglect, I decided to share it with the rest of you just to exemplify how shitty the movie looks, which really doesn't have much to do with the cast or crew. It just looks terrible.

We see some garbage first-generation HD footage, some crappy sets, all the go-to Canadian actors (half of them have shows on CTV), terrible dialogue and even worse production value. But in actual fact, this all really just comes down to money - because our film industry has none.

Bull - The Trailer from Bull - The Movie on Vimeo.

Also, if you do decide to visit the films website for whatever reason, you'll notice the "Now Available on DVD" post-it in the lower corner, while it's still being advertised as a trailer. Ouch.

that's callled tweeting

ALRIGHTMEANDBLAIRAREGETTINGDRUNKONOLDEEANDGOING
SWIMMINGWEALSOHOOKEDUPWITHGIRLSINNYC

above video: Battery Park, NY.

monday morning

I had another great day in the studio today. Early start, cup of coffee, full generator and some of my favorite albums to listen to. After I emptied out the piss bucket (this space is underground, don't ask) and cleaned some dry brushes, I got to painting. The most difficult thing I think in landscape painting is revisiting a piece after around a week. Sometimes I need to paint wet-to-dry, so I need to allow the paintings the time to dry out a bit. Colors never seem to match and it's a massive struggle sometimes to get back into that palette and understanding what was where and how they've melded together in the past.

It's cold down there this winter. I can see my breath while I work and it drives me to distraction because I'm constantly warming my hands and blowing my nose. I'm starting to work my way into a more safe way of approaching chemicals and oil paints. It's not uncommon for me to wear plastic gloves and a cotton face mask, and I'll usually leave the door open to make up for my five inch "vent" that couldn't even ventilate a fart. Which leads me to my next point,

For those of you that don't know, I'm half way finished filming a mini-documentary about a trip I took through western North America early this past summer. One part of the trip documented all my painting research and sketches (as well as the trip itself), and the second will include the production of all the artwork, under certain circumstances.
Those being that I am willingly encasing myself in a concrete space for five days with no leaving and no sense of time, with the goal in mind of starting and completing at least six large-scale landscape works. I don't plan on leaving the room for this period which means:

no power (because it's technically a storage space)
no sunlight (also meaning no sense of what time of day it really is)
no watches (because I think that's funny)
no mirrors (because I'd like to see the shit-hole look and surprise when I come out
no running water (again, it's not made for living)
and no light switch (there's no switch; it's a motion-sensor, which means I cant stop moving)

Needless to say, I feel as though I'm getting very close to undertaking this adventure, and it kinda scares me (those who know me well know that I've been talking about this challenge for years now), but it's also really, really exciting.

don't believe the rumors, canada is huge

Hello, hello, hello.
After nearly 4,000 kilometers of driving, I now sit in a sweaty apartment in downtown Vancouver. It has been a long, long, journey. A lot of driving, a lot of sites, and a lot of fun.
We basically started in Toronto and made our way above the Great Lakes. We took the Chee-Chee-Munch ferry to Manitoulin Island and continued towards Sault St. Marie. After a night of camping in Massey, we rose at 6am to hit the road. That day, we drove until 4:30 in the morning on one of the most dangerous highways in Canada. We literally had to drive directly behind a transport truck to avoid hitting a moose or deer, almost like a quarterback and a blocker in football. I know I don't drive the highway all that often, but I'm pretty sure that is something no driver should ever have to do.
We continued on to Manitoba. We stopped in Winnipeg for the afternoon. The two of us took a tour at the Royal Canadian Mint (where a brand new Talkin Schmidt was filmed), and visited some art galleries, stretched our legs, and bought some black stand up albums for the ride. Comedic cd's are something that I now consider to be a road trip necessity. Highly recommended, and the dirtier the better.
Then came time to rest for the night. We stopped in a little town called Brandon, Manitoba and booked a hotel. We barbecued in the parking lot and drank beer. There was also an incredible storm that night, which caused us to run around in farmers fields at top speeds, laughing and photographing the Prussian-blue clouds. I'll post some photos of that night at a later date. Brandon really knows how to party.
Then came the prairies. Awesome! The only disappointing thing about Saskatchewan is that you can drive across it in one day, and we did. We stopped numerous times to film, sketch, and absorb the ultimate flatness of the farmland. After only the third day, I uploaded my laptop (also known as the self-degrading camping device) with over 350 photos documenting clouds, ditches, fields, sunlight, gulches, crops, reflections, lakes, and rivers.
Later, we drove into Alberta, to the mountains! For those of you who haven't driven across Canada, the border of Alberta is lined with the Rockies, which looks strangley like a group of bullies trying to keep you out of Banff. We made our way to Banff, where Mike bought a classic new t-shirt, and I bought one with a wolf on it. We stayed at a friends place for the night and, again, got up early to hit the road to Vancouver.
So, there you have it. Sorry about the lack of photos in this post. I guarentee a motherload when it is time to come home. It's funny, really; this is easily the most technically-advanced road excursion I've ever witnessed: one b/w film camera, one digital slr, one ipod, one laptop, one digital video camera, one high-definition video camera, three tripods, one cellphone, and my trusty generator. Let's just say that no matter where we stop, something is being charged. I'll try to update again once we hit the states. Stick around! Andicles.

here goes something

It's about bloody time for another adventure.

I decided that now was the time to take some time off, away from the city, and venture somewhere into the woods. I asked my brother, Bike, if he wanted to join me on this expedition. This venture still makes me laugh at how hap-hazard the planning has been. We do, however, know where we're going, how we're getting there, and what we intend on doing with our time. Aside from an incredible amount of driving, we've got a couple tricks up our sleeves still.

Our route will take us north, around the great lakes towards Sault St. Marie, from there we'll venture up to Winnipeg, and make our way to the prairies of Saskatchewan, where my heart currently lies. From there I plan on making a few stops around Edmonton to see some friends, then continue on to visit more friends and some family in B.C. After that, we're venturing down into Seattle and the Pacific Northwest (something I've really wanted to see since watching Sunken Treasure with Jeff Tweedy). From there, it's off to Montana, South Dakota, Yellowstone National Park (psyched! Andy Adams, what), Devils Tower (close encounters of the third kind), Chicago, and hopefully the Museum of Motown in Detroit. It rounds off to about 8,500 k's; and with gas as high as it is, I'm sure to come home BROKEback Mountain.



I had this one wallpaper on my laptop almost the entire year that was a very simple image of the prairies at the break of dawn. Every night before I went to bed I would think about this place and strive to stand and breathe its air one day. I've got some sick obsession with deserted places, I think. I dream of the desert, constantly. This is probably why every landscape painting I've ever done (save for one portrait of Springbank Park), has a completely flat horizon line. Rural Canadian desert will do just fine. My plan is to wake up when the little hand on my watch points South, step out of whatever I may be sleeping in that night, hop a fence, and sit in some field when the air is still nice and cool and there's nothing breathing but myself for miles around.

This is where most of my inspiration lies and lives, and what I consider to be something close to heaven which, according to some (below), is a place I won't get to anytime soon!

(pictured: Han Solo and Iron Chef Bobby Flay, jumping on a bed)

Another big plan for this journey includes a documentary. Bike is an aspiring filmmaker, and I approached him about making a film that documents me documenting. It's kind of like a documentary, squared.
The main premise has two parts to it: one part studying the landscape through paintings, drawings, photographs, etc, and the second part being the actual production of the work, in which case I will lock myself in a concrete room for at least 5 days with no sense of time and no electricity. The two premises, in the film, will intermingle - showing from start to finish how my work is done. On top of everything else, I plan on writing the musical soundtrack for the film, possibly with the help of a few talented musicians. The film would be shown with the work, once exhibited. This is something I've wanted to do for a while now and am very, very excited for. It's a lot of work, but that's what the summer is for.

Needless to say, I'm pumped and am starting to get that "night-before-Christmas" vibe in my stomach when I sleep. Wish us a safe journey, in the Millennium Falcon.