cock-eyed

Just recently I've realized that my slang, abbreviations, and cockney-like delivery on words has made my everyday diction almost incomprehensible. I'm not sure what triggered this, but I'm well aware of it by seeing how many people I confuse on a daily basis. I'm going to write a couple lines, in simple English, then translate them into Times New Andy.

i) Hey friend. What time did you want to meet up for a drink later? I can't make it until at least 8. I have things to do. Goodbye.

Hey Brewhan. What's the dill on drizzing tonight? I'm a No-Can-Doosky till 8. Too much shit on the plate. Paaaece.

ii) Be careful when walking home tonight. Some people are just looking for trouble. Jees Louise.

Make sure you don't get jacked later cruising home. Some fuckheads are just down for rocking a mob. Fuck sakes!

Now, I should draw some sort of conclusion as to how such foul language came to be. I could easily take inspiration (if that's what you call it) from several specific, as well as broad sources. For starters, Trailer Park Boys has grossly effected my vocabulary. Words like rock, fuck, bang, brew, shit, cock, dick etc., can be sourced to most of my bad words. Listening to hip-hop will do this too, but that's where the tact comes from and not so much the words themselves. British people. They're a huge help. Brits have the most disgusting and appealing slang going on in the world today. At moments I hate it (there's nothing worse than a burly-brit-bitch who laughs too much at her own bad British jokes), and other times I think it's the most badass and tasteful way to swear, ever. Hell, guys swear at girls (and they like it), and kids swear at their parents (and they think it's cute).
I've had some help from George Carlin as well. His cusses flow like water and stabbed like knives, and nobody swore like George. His swearing also utilized a lot of purpose, which is something that gets easily lost in the act of using bad language. This is something I've had in the back of my mind when dropping bombs for several years now. This nothing more ignorant or unattractive than using cusses poorly, and I'll admit to doing it every so often. Such as using "fuckin..." as a space, segway, or intro to an idea. "She was like, fuckiinnn, lookin' at me n' shit."

Ig-no-runt.

helter skelter

Lately I've had a tonne on my mind. I've been meaning to write almost every day, yet can't bring myself to come up with anything solid. I think I'll just jot for now, and maybe elaborate one day.

- I've been listening to albums on shuffle on my discman. It's a nice feeling, almost like listening to them for the first time again. Some albums are even better on shuffle.

- I've been trying to grasp a better understanding of possessions. The other day I was sitting in my room and I realized that all this stuff is mine, it belongs to me. If I were to move, all this stuff would come with me. It's a very elementary thought, yet it's funny to imagine how much we all own. I'd like to see everything I've ever bought in a big room, so that maybe I could laugh at all the dumb things I've purchased over the course of my life. That actually reminds me of a piece I was planning to work on a couple years ago, which was sparked from the fact that everything costs. I was once fascinated by the fact that everything in this world has a literal value. Touch any object within arms reach, and I guarantee you that it cost somebody something at one point (and don't say air, smarty). The pieces were going to be very large cityscapes, but instead of paint or pencil, I was going to use a price gun, because everything costs, right? I still plan on doing this, the only hurdle was actually getting my hands on a pricing gun. I'm sure I'd run into so many hurdles that it would end up like that puzzle piece I did: an utter mental breakdown.

- I've been saying the word trivial a lot. The problem is, I can't think of any other words that are as effective fast enough. I'm sure it's just a phase.

- What's the best thing about the economic recession? The DEALS. I've never, and probably will never see such deals in my entire life. And the best thing about it is that there is competition amongst these big companies, so prices are just getting lower, and lower, and lower. Example: numerous subs at Subway are only $5 for a footlong here in Toronto. Me and meatball have become very good friends over these past few months.

- For the first time in a long time, I really like my room. Every so often I'll feng shui the shit out of it and it just seems to get better and better.

- I'm extremely excited for the U.S.A. I love that country, and the arrival of Barack Obama is such an amazing step forward for the nation and I can't wait to watch it all unfold. Come to think of it, I had a nightmare last night that went something like this.
Inauguration Day wasn't in Washington, but in Harris Park. There were about 300 people, including myself, waiting for the arrival of Senator Obama to be sworn in. For some reason, he arose from the horizon in a big Hawaiin Tropic hot air balloon. Sadly, when it came time for him to land a big gust of wind shot the balloon into the Thames river. I woke up at that point.

- I've started drinking a lot of caffeine again. The effects aren't really towards my heart, but my mouth! I can't shut the fuck up. Jitters aside, it is making me a lot more industrious.

- I'm not sure which is harder: Realizing the world is crazy, or having to live with that fact. I know I'm going to have a mid-life crisis. Actually, I have mid-day crisis' every day. The only reassuring thing is that I know my life will not be normal as years pass. Spontaneity is an attribute of my personality that will never be fully under control. The urge to cut my losses and flee is ever-present.

- Jenna once introduced me to the very simple concept of mystery. Not to strive towards, but to look for and introduce yourself to. Since then, my perspective on normality, people, places, and interaction has flipped on its can and I find myself wandering more than ever. The incredible thing about Toronto is that you can walk to the same destination twenty times, but you can take a different route every time. Especially around this time of year, after a night out, walking home through the strange ethnic sects of Toronto seems like another world, and certainly not one that is minutes from your front door.

- The opening the other week at Vdara was a great success. Thanks goes to everyone who came and gave me a piece of their mind, and their heart. I didn't expect to see as many as I did, and am always grateful for the amazing relationships I have with my friends. Special thanks goes to Mickey for the huge amount of work on my behalf, and to all the staff at Vdara for making me feel so welcome. Oh, and the lamb shank was top shelf.

- Hue is playing a show this Saturday 24th at The Horseshoe Tavern around 12am. Throw me a line if you want to get on the guest list. After party is at Dance Cave right after the show.

That's enough from me.

similarryties

Today I realized that the apples truly don't fall far from the trees. 

My dad and I make this pilgrimage to Oakville every few months to pick up oversized canvas from the gigantic DeSerres outlet store. I'm pretty sure the prices are the same as the one here downtown, but it's kind of fun to make the journey and we get a chance to catch up. 

So today we made that same trip. It went pretty much exactly the same as it usually does: we drove through shit weather, talked about bad drivers/the economy/work/family/the weather/sports (I pretend and nod a lot at that), we drank tim hortons, got off at the wrong exits and laughed at each others stank farts. It was business as usual. 

Once we got back to my studio, we cracked down on some manly shit. To be more specific, we drilled holes in the walls and used ladders. At around this point, I quickly became aware of how similar my dad and I really are. Once my dad uttered "Hey And, you got anything I can piss into?", I laughed and handed him my usual piss bucket and left him to do his business. 

The funny thing about that instance is that every time I've ever mentioned to someone that I have a piss bucket, they cringe and make a stupid face. My dad? We both understand that taking a piss is simply taking a piss, and there's nothing around it. Who cares that there's a jug of warm piss in the room? I just dump it into the drain outside my door. Be a man and get dirty for once you over-sanitized, kleenex-havin' baby! 

The next similarity came when he noticed my wagon wheel. Yes, I have a single authentic wagon wheel downstairs which I swiped from a leather ranch that had gone out of business. It was a hasslehoff to carry home, but I knew I'd use it for something eventually. He replied,

" Aw, sweet wagon wheel! You could turn that into a coffee table!", and that was my exact intention on having it. Because, the fact is, my dad would have grabbed that wheel off the street even faster than I did. We just both have an eye for useful junk. 

We continued to drill more holes (which will be used for hanging wet canvas instead of leaning them against the wall), crack jokes, and jam out to The Temptations. I explained the motion sensor problems I have and he told me of a friend who could remedy that problem. Excuse me? Where has this person been for the past three years while I've been doing stupid fucking jumping jacks all afternoon to keep the lights on? Needless to say, this person is coming over one day to hook me up, figuratively speaking. 

And to top off this story, he gave me a brand new step ladder! I am officially a man now, because I have my own ladder. All I need now is a truck, some more plaid, a baby, and over $50 in Canadian Tire money and I'm in the club. 

come and get hugged

Hey all. Just wanted to plug the fact that there will be an opening event for my recently-hung work here in Toronto. The show features three large pieces; none of which I've taken photos of yet (on purpose? that means you'll have to come see!). I consider this to be some of my more mature work to date, focusing on a more technical approach to the ever-simple subject matter that is the prairie landscape. Yet, they're big, colorful, and for sale. If anyone has any questions on the night, just shoot me a line by email and I'll give you the all the deets. And if you come I'll hug you, no doubt. Thanks.

andrew.allan.schmidt@gmail.com

BIG! Top Look- Alikes of the Year!

Okay. One gigantic hobby of mine, and several of my friends, is discovering uncanny look-alikes of others we know. But to my surprise, this year I was called out to more doppelgangers than ever. It seemed like every few days, some stranger would approach me with comments about how I look like so-and-so. Here's a list of my favorites from this year.
Prince William. Some lady commented on this young gent and our similarities. Now, this is not a dead ringer, but it surely was flattering. I don't have that cool ginger rosacea shit either. Regardless, he's a royal guy and I thought it was cute of her, even if she was old enough to be the Queen.

Peyton Manning. My friend Kudzai pulled this one out on me. I mistook him for Tom Brady at first, but this one was a little closer than I thought.
He had a point, although this is more of what future-andy might look like, and I wouldn't have made a career out of throwing a ball, because pro sports are all bullshit!, and I'll get to that topic at a later date.










Adam Savage. Yes, the second half to the brilliant Mythbusters duo. I actually brought this one on all by myself. Hell, I was Adam Savage for Halloween this year for chrissakes!
There are some striking similarities in there though. The foreheads are nearly identical. The eyes are, eeehhhh, they're close, but he's got that blue-eyed ginger shit going on. His beard is admirable though, I'll let the savage have that.







Tom Paris. This one took me entirely by surprise. For starters, I couldn't give less of a shit about Star Trek. I'm sure its good, but give me The Millenium Falcon over the Enterprise any day. A good friend of mine pulled this gem on me one morning and I had no idea what he was talking about. I thought he meant Neelix (look him up, I kind of look like that guy too). But to my surprise, Tom is easily one of the top candidates for the Andylike of the year.

Matt Sundin. There's really not a whole lot that needs to be said about this one. I'm pretty sure it started as a joke, but this Swede almost looks more like me than me! Just look at that guy. The only major difference is that I have more skin under my chin. Matt literally can't look up and have his mouth closed at the same time; there just isn't enough skin there. I, on the other hand, have a shit load that I'm looking to get rid of. So Matt, if you want some ginger neck goods, I'm a phone call away.
PS. I may just get that tattoo because its hilarious and redicu-bad.

Josh Homme. Again, out of nowhere, but I can see some potential for candidacy in this guy. For those of you who do not know Josh, he's the front man for Queens of the Stone Age. Take a look around for some images. He also has red hair, I just couldn't get a decent photo that wasn't all scrunchy-guitar-faced.

Bobby Flay. Honestly, this is the OG look alike. I've been approached on numerous occasions about this guy. The funny thing is, I really don't think I look that much like him. I think the only physical quality we have in common is our complexion, and that's about it. It's really just funny to joke about.

Danny Elfman. Damn you Mike! I hate this comparison, but at a few points in our lives we did look like each other. He's a lot older looking now and is all grizzled from what I'm assuming is due to countless hours scoring films, brilliantly. He certainly is an elf man.

Wayne Gretzky. Probably the absolute furthest from the source on this whole list. This was Danny's top pic, which makes me laugh because I don't see any of me in that face. Which is fine, because every science experiment needs a control - something to tilt the scale a bit.

Orc from The Lord of the Rings.
Every time Mike and I watch The Return of the King, we spot this one stupid orc at the Pelennor Fields battle and laugh. He's in the middle of firing this arrow and makes this ridiculous sound - which I'm awesome at emulating. Regardless, we both think that if I looked like an orc, it would be this lucky archer.
PS. this pic took me so long to find that if you don't laugh I'll be shooting you with an arrow myself.