Favourite Food Network Personalities, Part 1

Mario Batali

What's not to love about Mario Batali? He's big, he's funny, he's an unbelievable chef, he kind of looks like a pedophile he's really calm, and he somehow is really Italian but has red hair. He's got my vote. You'd better expect a true challenge when facing this crocs-donning kitchen warrior in Kitchen Stadium. Come to think of it, I don't think I've ever witnessed a loss.

Jamie Oliver

Not only is his rustic approach to English and French cooking out of sight, but his show is truly brilliant. Jamie at Home is on the top of my list for box set buys, if possible. The show is basically Jamie preparing simple, but gorgeous dishes from one of his thousand kitchens / makeshift kitchens that he builds in his backyard. He picks all the ingredients from his backyard with the help of his own personal gardener, what!
Jamie, to me, has something close to what I imagine the ideal life being. A beautiful home, a job where he can create and make jokes on, a backyard that is seemingly endless, he's probably got a babe wife and couple kids, cool clothes, and his own theme song. The guy looks intensely happy most of the time, because he probably is, you bugger.

Robert Irvin

Easily one of my favourite Food Network shows Dinner: Impossible, is one part stress, one part craftiness, one part improv, one part humor, one part cooking. Is this hard to understand why I love this show? Robert Irvin is the host and does an incredible job. Every episode, Robert is assigned nearly impossible tasks of cooking insanity, given limited time and extremely limited supplies. Yet, every episode, Irvin can turn the crappiest pile of food into over a dozen beauty dishes.

Unfortunately, due to a few conflicts with Irvin's supposed resume, the Food Network has canned Robert and replaced him with the new Iron Chef, Michael Symon. I honestly still think he was written that way and can hardly believe he would go out of his way to make up a bunch of crap about cooking for the president, but who knows really.

Giada De Laurentiis

Okay, I have a few things to say about Giada. The bottom line is,
Giada is about as Italian as I am. She even has her own show called Everyday Italian, which I still believe to be a scam. She has, by far, the most potent American accent I've heard, until she pronounces words like "prosciutto" "bruschetta", and even "spaghetti", that she decides to whip out her mama-mia-i'm-so-italian-fake-accent. Not falling for it Giada. I'm also convinced that her producers make her wear low-cut sweaters. You have nice boobs Giada, I'll give you that.

Alton Brown

Alton, I know you and I have our differences, but you've done a tonne of good work so I'm here to give you some recognition. For starters, your knowledge of food makes you an incredible reporter and host of Iron Chef America. I honestly don't know how you do it. Secondly, Feasting on Asphalt was one of the better Food Network shows of the summer, even if it was just you driving around with your friends eating the fattiest shit in America. It was real, it looked great, and I learned a few things to boot.

Thirdly, I must mention that Good Eats is still, to date, the dumbest show that ever hit the Food Network. Brutal quality, dumb ideas, droning facts about useless properties of food, awful jokes and a very budget appearance. I'll leave that show for Dan, although I don't know how he can watch it.
Keep it up Alton; you're smart enough that something good will come along again eventually.