the list

10 Reasons Why I Want to Marry an Asian

They Age Well.

Even to this day, I'll walk through Chinatown and still double-take matured asian women. The strange thing is, when you go over to an asian girls house to meet her parents, the mom is usually just as attractive as the daughter. I can only assume this is due to years of drinking green tea instead of coffee, holding umbrellas when it's sunny out, and special attention to personal appearance. On top of that, they don't gain weight. I've seen 80 year old ladies who are probably the same weight as when they were in high school.

Her Rich Parents.


I can honestly say I've never met a poor asian family. Sure, I've seen them on the streets before, but I bet even the poor looking ones have a lot of money stashed away in old bags of white rice. They (as a race) have such an incredible work ethic and only really accept success from themselves, and their peers. It's the same reason why Asians own, have made, designed, or sold you pretty much half of everything you see and own. The dominant two businesses I've caught on to (in terms of families with money), comes from either owning convenience stores or restaurants. I've had friends who's parents have owned one of those (or multiple franchises) and drive Lexus' when their 'Cedes are in the shop.
Her parents will support her and I in times of need, and in times when we don't need it at all. Her dad will take me to his rich golf course and I will kick his ass off the tee, but his Asian precision will kill me on the green.

The Future.


Let's just say that when the Asian populace has power over everything, I'll have a head start. I can't really decide on any more jokes for this bit, so I'll move on.

The Cute Kids.

For starters, I have no idea what my kid would look like if I procreated with an asian honey. I'm counting on the strong asian genetics to wipe out any trace of gingerism my kid may have, which is cool. I'm not really keen on the survival of my own race, because I'd rather be a dying breed than part of a thriving sun-burnt populous.
All I want is a fat, asian, buddha baby. Even more than that, I want a pregnant asian wife. She'll passively complain about her back and holy shit will I be there to help her. I'm pretty sure my asian kid would never learn how to walk because I'd never put it down. I'm also sure I'd never have to buy my baby clothes either, because my asian in-laws would smother it in weird fobby shit and my parents would buy it even more baby clothes, just so it wouldn't have to wear that weird fobby shit.

The Food.

Simply put, asians love their food. There's not a single asian on this planet who doesn't love to eat. Not only do they know how to eat, but they know how to cook. They don't really have a choice. Do they? I've always assumed that every asian has had a crazy grandma around them since birth, constantly holding a hot plate of food. I'm almost certain that a knack for cooking is just an inherent gene they all have. Aside from that, I'm sure her parents will own a restaurant anyway. A restaurant that would openly feed me at no charge until 5am.

The Fun.

I've always been a great admirer of the asian culture. Not so much that I brush up on my Japanese characters in my spare time, I just like to observe. One thing that I've always known: Asians love their fun. They usually travel in huge groups, soberly running down the street laughing in smiling, probably coming or going to karaoke and bubble tea. And I don't blame them. Not only is most of that clean shit really fun, but the ones doing it are usually hilarious. The fine balance is finding a wife who can not only lay into the booze now and then, but can challenge me and not cop-out after two cups of sake.

The Sex.

I can only deduce that it would still be good after years of marriage. We'd eat, go for a run together, and then bone. Rad.

I'm Not Picky About It.

I've seen every shape and form of asian girl, and none of them really sour the relationship thing. Everything from straight-up American-apple-pie-accent, to the straight off the boat variety; it's all kinda cute. Chinese, Japanese, Thai, Korean. Kim-chi, Sashimi, Pad Thai, Egg Roll. I'm not picky about it.

The Smarts.


Asian or not, my wife has to stand on her own feet intellectually. The last thing I want is to do all the talking for the extent of our marriage. I don't want to talk about how donkeys have the loudest farts in the animal kingdom for the rest of my life. I need a lady who can teach me a thing or two every once in a while. So why not marry an asian? Lord knows they've got the brains. I think that's the beauty about being with somebody who's career relies mainly on smarts. She'll come home all stressed from work and I'll make dinner, kiss her on the forehead, pinch her butt, put on an album, and then paint her something. It's a Ying-Yang thing.

The Respect.

I want to one day be walking down the street with my Asian better half, see another white guy doing the same, and then hi-five each other as we pass. No words will be exchanged. We just both know we did it. Later that week, I'll show up to a backyard party with my Asian better half, and get glared at by all the other white dudes who married Plain-Jane white chicks with brat kids. Those same brats will tease my Asian youngster. My kid will really want to beat up those kids, because daddy taught him/her not to take shit from anyone.

If only it ever learned how to walk.